There’s No Compelling Reason for Americans to Watch Soccer

Like many American kids, I grew up playing soccer. Kids learn foot-eye coordination faster than hand-eye, so it’s natural to give them a ball to kick. I loved the competitive nature of the sport, and played for many years, and did some traveling, until I took up a new hobby. It’s such a fun sport to play. When you travel to a foreign country, there’s always someone playing a pick-up match, and you can join in the fun.

But as a packaged product to watch, soccer is designed to fail with the American sports audience. It goes beyond being boring. There are institutional things that the major sports here have adopted that make a huge difference in how one feels watching a game. The U.S. loss to Ghana highlighted some of those problems.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-awwwww fuck!

First, delaying of games is simply not tolerated. In basketball, a team must bring the ball across half court within 8 seconds, and the ball must touch the rim within 24, or you lose possession. In football, you have a play clock where not calling a play on time results in a penalty. These rules prevent teams from just stalling to waste the game clock.

Sure, gamesmanship is part of the game, part of the coaching strategy. But there are limits. American sports force the action to continue. But in soccer, Ghana went well beyond what Americans would consider acceptable delay: acting hurt and falling on the ground when no opposing player was in the vicinity, then forcing a stretcher to carry you off, having a player shake hands before he’s substituted off the field, things like that. And the ref just stands there and lets it happen. This is absurd, and would never, ever be tolerated in the popular sports here. I racked my brain trying to determine why something so obviously detrimental to the enjoyment of the sport is allowed. It’s just stupid.

Second, non-stop 45 minute halves are a mirage. It appears as if the game is going faster. After all, the time DOESN’T STOP. And the match is over in just 90 minutes. But this denies something that Americans secretly value: breaks. No one likes commercials, but people need breaks, time-outs, to hit the restroom, go grab another beer, or go to the concession stand.

With frequent breaks, it feels as if time is moving faster, even though an NFL game can last 3 hours. But while watching soccer, it’s the same tick-tick-tick off the clock. Breaks allow for a release of emotion, and a little relaxation. Soccer prevents that from happening. Give us our breeaaaaakkkssss!!!

"I will take 91 minutes before I score."

Next, the overtime session is just stupid. Say what you want about the sudden-death NFL rules that were just modified. But that meant that every possession mattered. If you’re going to make a stop, it has to be now. The U.S. soccer team, though, seemed to say “ahhh let them score, we have 30 minutes to tie it.” 30 more minutes. Come on. The game should be decided before then. It’s not a knock-out, drag-out overtime where the pressure’s on. There’s no pressure with 30 minutes.

Finally, the flopping is just too much. Taking a foul and letting the refs know it happened, OK sure. It happens in the NBA all the time. But you wouldn’t think those guys were straight-up pussies.

Turn on soccer, and these guys will fall to the ground, crying, clutching body parts, without being touched. This is ridiculous. It happened in yesterday’s game: dude just falls down after messing up his own bicycle kick, rolls over to see how the play is turning out, then rolls back on his back, and lays there. That’s just one example.

For American males, sports is about showing off the manliness. There’s no manliness on display in soccer. It’s fine that it’s a finesse sport. But you know that none of these players have balls. They don’t act like men on the field. Take a hit and dish it back.

A real foul, that might lead to a real fight.

Every 4 years it’s the same question: is this the year Americans fall in love with soccer? It takes people 4 years to forget why they don’t tune in. But after watching a few matches, those memories of disgust return.

The NBA Finals are over. The NFL doesn’t start for a couple more months. Baseball is dull right now. I guess I’ll have to watch tennis until the fall.

Come on titty.